What I'm saying when I say I trust God.

Most of you already know that this week I will be saying "goodbye" to my sister (who also happens to be my best friend).  I have cried. A lot.

Abigail & I at her MSW Graduation

Tears of sadness... because I will obviously miss her.

Tears of selfishness... because now what will I do on my days off, who will I bounce my ridiculous ideas off of, who can I complain about things to, and who will call me on my crap?

Tears of anxiety... because who knows what the next 11 months have in store for either of us?

Us as Olsen twins... obviously

In general, I am an anxious person. That is, I am prone to anxiety. In many forms. My social anxiety is pretty impressive. It is rivaled only by my travel anxiety. I don't get nervous when I travel, especially when I travel with my family. But when my family and loved ones travel without me? Forget it. I'm a wreck.

10.5 years ago my parents and younger siblings left me home for the summer while I worked and spent time with friends and packed to head back to college. In the middle of the night toward the end of August, one week before I was scheduled to head to school, I got a phone call from my father.

"Kaitlyn, mommy had a heart attack."
"Is she okay? She's okay now, right?"
"No, I'm sorry honey. She didn't make it."

In that moment my entire world shattered. Nothing in my 18 years made any sense anymore. It would be a long time before I could make heads or tails of my feelings. Mourning is weird. And personal. But one thing I know that I never experience was anger with God. I'm not really sure why. I just knew that I needed him. I knew that I would probably never really know why I was experiencing this, but I prayed it would be used.

Obviously, as my travel anxiety proves, I haven't fully dealt with all of this 10 years later.

Many of us are trained to say, sing and preach that we "trust God." That "all things work together." But what about when they don't?  What happens to our faith, to our trust in God, when the foundation of our lives crumble.  Often times when we say we trust God, what we really mean is, "I want God to do things my way."

It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It feels good to sing and declare that our God is trustworthy. But that trust goes much deeper than a cliche or a worship chorus.

My dad used to pray before we left on trips that God would send angels to surround us as we traveled, that we would be protected. It makes sense and I get why he did that. But in some ways, doesn't praying for God's protection almost demonstrate a distrust for His plan?

My anxiety tears over my sister's departure flow freely mostly because I know my sister is not my own. I know I cannot protect her, control her, or keep her safe. Especially as she flies around the world to live with a people she fell in love with years ago. As she works in dangerous situations, helping free people from the bondage of modern slavery.

As Abigail leaves, I don't pray "God send your angels to protect her," and not because I don't want her protected. Instead I pray, "God, I trust my precious sister to your perfect will."  Because my trust in God is not dependent on getting my way. It can't be. God is not my genie in the sky. Truly trusting in God says, "God, I trust that You have written this story to it's completion. I trust that there is a plan. I trust that working together all things doesn't always mean things work the way I want them to."

I trust God because He is trustworthy. In times of financial, marital, personal, social challenges I trust God because I know in my core who He is. Because I fully understand that I am a vapor. That my story is a blip on the screen in the greater movie.  I trust God because I know who He is. That he is I AM. That the same God who called Moses to free the Israelites from bondage has called Abigail to free the oppressed in South East Asia.

Trusting God is not easy. It certainly doesn't stop me from crying. And it won't stop me from believing that Abigail will be back here in 11 months, suffering through insane family events at Christmas with me and enjoying a mani/pedi and Moe's in only the way she can. God knows the desires of my heart, for my sister to be safe and to return here. But God also knows how our stories play out.

So I am trusting my sister to God.
Whatever that means.
No matter how hard.

I trust her to God's care and I look forward to seeing the way that God uses her heart, her call, and her courage to change this world!

Ruthlessly Eliminate Hurry

I was challenged this week to "ruthlessly eliminate hurry" from my life. The story was retold by a speaker at the conference, but was original to John Ortberg, a favorite author of mine. Anyway, John calls one his mentors and says to him, "I'm really feeling very depressed and like I can't live up to everything. I've got so many things I need to do and it leaves no time for me, my family, God..." His mentor said to him, "Ruthlessly. Eliminate. Hurry."  Ortberg responded, "Oh, that's great! What's the next step?" ;)

That *is* the only step. Eliminate hurry from your life.  Huh, that sounds both simple and infuriating, right?  I put that into practice this week.  Living "alone" for 4 days makes it sort of easy to eliminate hurry, I think.  My typical type-A personality lost out to my desire to slow down and relax.  It was fantastic. I never rushed or felt stressed in lines at the airport, I didn't feel pressure to be 15 minutes early to everything, cutting short my morning prep time or coffee stop. I just, I let things happen. I allowed myself to take time to do my hair, relax in my room, and meander through the hotel shops on my way to meetings.

I guess that's pretty easy to do when you're transported from the "bleak mid winter" of upstate New York and dropped in sunny central Florida in a gorgeous resort.  I took time. And it reminded me of all those trips I rushed through, so worried about the destination that I never enjoyed the adventure of getting there.  What a miserable person I must be to be around sometimes!  Life is so humbling. I am so thankful for grace and the ability to change.

Now comes the real challenge. Of course it's easy to meander and slow down in the vacuum of a solo trip to a gorgeous location. But what about a 20 degree morning when the boys are whining and I'm late for work? Or those times when Levi asks me "Mommy will you ________ with me?" and I'm thinking, "I really need to ______."

I will always be a task-oriented person and that is a challenge for me as a wife, mother, and friend.  I fully admit I am not always the life of the party (no laughing, friends and family!).  I don't think I will ever be a care-free, fly by the seat of your pants, kind of person. But I can slow the heck down.  Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

Because really? That person who rushes, pushes, and speeds around you on the highway? Usually they are sitting right next to you in the toll booth.  Hurry only frustrates, it doesn't really get you anywhere much faster.  And who knows what adventure you might be missing on the way!

Losing it. Episode 2.

Today was the end of this thing called a Diet Bet. Basically, you get a group of people together on dietbet.com, pay $35 and then you get 4 weeks to lose 4% of your body weight. You have to submit a picture of yourself standing on the scale and a picture of the weight displayed on the scale with a special keyword written on a notecard next to it.  If you lose the weight, you get your money back. If others don't lose the weight, the people who do get to split their money.

Today, I officially WON!  Woot!  I get my money back and maybe a little extra to boot! :)

With that said, I lost 7ish pounds this month! Yay!

I'm giving myself a little grace while traveling for a few days (this does not translate into binge, just not being super strict).  When I get back we're in full prep-mode for the switch to gluten free and Daniel Fast.  If anyone has any tried and true Paleo-type recipes please share!!

2 hours in an airport.

I'm in an airplane right now. It's still insane to me that I can be online in an airplane 10,000 feet in the air.  I'm on my way to Orlando for a conference for 3 days. Until this morning I was ridiculously excited to spend 3 glorious nights alone in my own hotel room- eating, sleeping, exercising  reading, and learning on my own schedule.  Even my type A personality has worn tired of the strict schedule the Wood family is required to keep. Le sigh.

Anyway, this morning I started to get anxious. I'm not a big fan of flying in the first place; I;m not terrified I just don't really enjoy it.  I'm sad to be away from my baby who is days away from taking his first steps and no longer nurses. I told Matt that if he stands up and tries to walk I wanted him pushed down immediately. I was joking. Mostly. I will be pretty bummed if I happen to miss his first steps, though.

Even more than all of that is Levi. My sweet, spunky, spirited, beautiful Levi.  Sigh.  I get so nervous when I have to leave him. I'm not really sure why since I'm not really much better at calming his meltdowns these days, but I'm always sort of waiting for a phone call from home. And when the phone does ring from home, I always fear I will hear the tell-tale screams in the background.  I just. I worry.

So I found myself sitting in a practically empty airport 2 hours before my flight was to take off.  Apparently Wednesday @ 2pm isn't a hugely popular time to fly in January... who knew?  I picked up my Kindle and started reading a book I had downloaded earlier this week in anticipation of my quiet time.  The book is a conversation between two mothers, one younger and one older, about mothering in community, about the guilt and frustrations that can come along with mothering. And more importantly, about some hope for the future.  And then, BAM. I'm in tears. I did my best to quietly wipe my tears before anyone could see, but each page brought new waves of emotions.

When I hit the chapter about "Out of the Box" children I couldn't contain it any longer.  They were talking about me. About my first-born.  And it stung.  Whatever labels might be placed on Levi someday, I'm realizing that my first job is to love him and parent him with the Grace that I desire. The grace we all receive from God.

One of the author's says, "May times we heard the words, 'You aren't spanking your children enough!' And yet my darling little Nathan, who we later found had ADHD and OCD, always responded to me when I was gentle, loving, and filling his cup. He needed patience, and he needed me to like him, and believe in him."  Ouch.

How often am I not showing my child that, through all of his behaviors, I love him and like him?  That I am on his team.

Everyone has ideas about how Matt & I should "handle" Levi and his behaviors.  Some have even suggested that most of his behavior probably just has to do with "us" since he doesn't meltdown during x, y, or z.  I try to respond kindly to those suggestions, to remember that others don't live with him, that Levi feels comfortable melting down with us, that we are generally the ones that are bringing him to challenging situations. Anyway, no matter how well intentioned they are, we don't always feel encouragement or community from friends and family when it comes to that sort of stuff. Having a kid who's "out of the box" can, in fact be really isolating.  It can be lonely in this section of motherhood, and reading about someone else's experience with similar emotions was really liberating and validating.

No matter what evaluations, doctors, or tests say, Levi needs to know that Matt & I are happy with him. That we are proud to be his parents. That we are on his team.  Because you know what? Sometimes this world is actually really scary and overwhelming, and when you're 3 and things feel out of control all the time?  How else might you respond?

For the moment our life with Levi is filled with skinny jeans, lots of squeezing, a good schedule, solid sleep that we can't mess with, lots of preparation for new things, and the occasional meltdown that leaves me curled up in a ball and crying. But it's also filled with laughter at his antics, the joy that comes from hearing him laugh, awe at his natural musical and athletic talent, and a heart that bursts with love for my first born.  And you know what, that is all okay.  This is where we are right now.

As much as all of this thinking makes me want to go home and squeeze him until he makes me let go, I know the next few days away will be good for me. And hopefully good for Levi, and Matt, and Jonah as they enjoy a few days of "bro" time.  Deep breath.

losing it. episode 1.

I've been on Weight Watchers for a little over a month now, though, to be fair/honest, the 2 weeks of holidays were sort of a crap shoot for points tracking and I basically reversed all the progress I had made in the 2 weeks prior.  So, for the sake of argument, let's just say I actually started the 1st week of January. ;)  No seriously, that's when I restarted my tracking, working out, and keeping track of my progress.

I get some odd looks, especially from my husband, when I talk about weight watchers.  While I understand I'm not "obese" or in a risk zone BMI-wise, I am pretty horrendously out of shape, and about 20 pounds over my resting, non-pregnant weight.  I reached that weight about 2 months before getting pregnant with Jonah.  It took me a while post-Levi and I don't plan to take that long this time. Jonah will be ONE next month (omg) and I will be on my way to my happy weight. 

I have some pictures, but I'm not brave enough to post them yet. Maybe I will be able to once I have a progress picture to compare it to. For now, 3 weeks in, I am down just about 5 pounds. It's not a great loss but it's in the right direction and I'm okay with that. 

So there it is. Out in public for everyone to see. I am currently 18.7 pounds from my goal weight.  I want to be at my goal weight by my birthday (5/1); that gives me 3+ months. I think that's realistic.  Here is my plan:


- Mondays are my usual weigh-in days, and I will aim to keep track of my progress on here.

- Working out: I want to run 3xs a week but I'm going to give myself some grace here.  I will promise to be active 4 xs a week.  I would love to be able to actually run a 5k this spring, we shall see.

- Eating: I will be continuing with WW for the foreseeable future. It helps me keep track and be accountable.  As a family, we are going to be experimenting with going gluten free during the time that we Daniel Fast (for lent).  This will be a huge adjustment for the whole family (Levi especially).  I'll get into more details about the gluten experiment in another post, but stripping down our food choices to whole/naturally occurring foods has been a huge help in the past. Actually, it was how I dropped the last 14 pounds of Levi weight 2 years ago.  That whole plan takes place the 2nd week of February!

Any thoughts? Tips? Are you in the same place? What are you doing right now?  Share with me!  Let's encourage each other, cause God knows this is hard!

Saturday was perfect.

Oh, here's just a ton of pictures. This weekend was lovely. The only thing missing was my husband. We had sunshine, a cool breeze, sidewalk chalk, neighbors, friends, grilled hotdogs, birthday celebrating, and intentional relaxation. Amazing.

Levi took sidewalk chalk drawing very seriously.

He has a thing about dirty hands lately.

Our neighbor came outside, so Levi showed him how to draw on the sidewalk.

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend. I wish Matt was here, but he will be home in approximately 3 hours. :) I had an amazing birthday. Thank you to everyone who made a point to post on my wall, send me a text or e-mail, call, or wish me a happy birthday in person.

Life is good.

-ktw

Im tired.

So I know I have to post tonight. I'm tired and feeling unmotivated, so here are some bullet points about my day:

* Levi has cried every single day this week when leaving him at daycare. It kills me inside. This morning was the worst as he was crying, "No mama! Gock! Gock!" (Which means go on a walk). I tried explaining that any other morning I would rearrange everything for a Gock, but he didn't understand the urgency of my morning appointments. It was gut wrenching.

* What stunk even worse was that I won't see him until tomorrow morning. I taught my first class tonight, so my Dad and Bert picked him up and played with him till bed time.

* I leave for vacation 3 weeks from MONDAY!!!!!!! Matt is off work for 2 whole weeks and we are ecstatic!

* My first class was fun. I gave myself a headache after 3.5 hours of class and dismissed them with an assignment. Seriously, who designed a 4.5 hour class on a Friday night?

* We had a crew of teenagers from the middle and high school come to the church to do work for "Global Youth Service Day." They were all very sweet and did a great job and a ton of work! Yay!

* Tomorrow Levi and I plan to walk to the little league park to see all sorts of cousins and friends in their little league "parade" and maybe catch a game. Levi apparently went to a game with my dad tonight and LOVED it. Good times!

Sad bullet points:
* A friend's baby is in the PICU with pneumonia. I feel awful. :( It's gotta stink to see your baby all sick and helpless. I'm sending so many prayers he way.

* A very dear family friend passed away last night. It was sudden but not unexpected. It's going to be a long road of mourning for his family and mine as well as our congregation.



I will close with this random tidbit- Target "grocery store" is like a black hole. I go for some groceries and inexpensive milk and leave with a new pair of sandals for Levi and other random "end cap" clearance items. Le Sigh. They get me every time.

night!

-ktw