What I'm saying when I say I trust God.

Most of you already know that this week I will be saying "goodbye" to my sister (who also happens to be my best friend).  I have cried. A lot.

Abigail & I at her MSW Graduation

Tears of sadness... because I will obviously miss her.

Tears of selfishness... because now what will I do on my days off, who will I bounce my ridiculous ideas off of, who can I complain about things to, and who will call me on my crap?

Tears of anxiety... because who knows what the next 11 months have in store for either of us?

Us as Olsen twins... obviously

In general, I am an anxious person. That is, I am prone to anxiety. In many forms. My social anxiety is pretty impressive. It is rivaled only by my travel anxiety. I don't get nervous when I travel, especially when I travel with my family. But when my family and loved ones travel without me? Forget it. I'm a wreck.

10.5 years ago my parents and younger siblings left me home for the summer while I worked and spent time with friends and packed to head back to college. In the middle of the night toward the end of August, one week before I was scheduled to head to school, I got a phone call from my father.

"Kaitlyn, mommy had a heart attack."
"Is she okay? She's okay now, right?"
"No, I'm sorry honey. She didn't make it."

In that moment my entire world shattered. Nothing in my 18 years made any sense anymore. It would be a long time before I could make heads or tails of my feelings. Mourning is weird. And personal. But one thing I know that I never experience was anger with God. I'm not really sure why. I just knew that I needed him. I knew that I would probably never really know why I was experiencing this, but I prayed it would be used.

Obviously, as my travel anxiety proves, I haven't fully dealt with all of this 10 years later.

Many of us are trained to say, sing and preach that we "trust God." That "all things work together." But what about when they don't?  What happens to our faith, to our trust in God, when the foundation of our lives crumble.  Often times when we say we trust God, what we really mean is, "I want God to do things my way."

It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It feels good to sing and declare that our God is trustworthy. But that trust goes much deeper than a cliche or a worship chorus.

My dad used to pray before we left on trips that God would send angels to surround us as we traveled, that we would be protected. It makes sense and I get why he did that. But in some ways, doesn't praying for God's protection almost demonstrate a distrust for His plan?

My anxiety tears over my sister's departure flow freely mostly because I know my sister is not my own. I know I cannot protect her, control her, or keep her safe. Especially as she flies around the world to live with a people she fell in love with years ago. As she works in dangerous situations, helping free people from the bondage of modern slavery.

As Abigail leaves, I don't pray "God send your angels to protect her," and not because I don't want her protected. Instead I pray, "God, I trust my precious sister to your perfect will."  Because my trust in God is not dependent on getting my way. It can't be. God is not my genie in the sky. Truly trusting in God says, "God, I trust that You have written this story to it's completion. I trust that there is a plan. I trust that working together all things doesn't always mean things work the way I want them to."

I trust God because He is trustworthy. In times of financial, marital, personal, social challenges I trust God because I know in my core who He is. Because I fully understand that I am a vapor. That my story is a blip on the screen in the greater movie.  I trust God because I know who He is. That he is I AM. That the same God who called Moses to free the Israelites from bondage has called Abigail to free the oppressed in South East Asia.

Trusting God is not easy. It certainly doesn't stop me from crying. And it won't stop me from believing that Abigail will be back here in 11 months, suffering through insane family events at Christmas with me and enjoying a mani/pedi and Moe's in only the way she can. God knows the desires of my heart, for my sister to be safe and to return here. But God also knows how our stories play out.

So I am trusting my sister to God.
Whatever that means.
No matter how hard.

I trust her to God's care and I look forward to seeing the way that God uses her heart, her call, and her courage to change this world!

Ruthlessly Eliminate Hurry

I was challenged this week to "ruthlessly eliminate hurry" from my life. The story was retold by a speaker at the conference, but was original to John Ortberg, a favorite author of mine. Anyway, John calls one his mentors and says to him, "I'm really feeling very depressed and like I can't live up to everything. I've got so many things I need to do and it leaves no time for me, my family, God..." His mentor said to him, "Ruthlessly. Eliminate. Hurry."  Ortberg responded, "Oh, that's great! What's the next step?" ;)

That *is* the only step. Eliminate hurry from your life.  Huh, that sounds both simple and infuriating, right?  I put that into practice this week.  Living "alone" for 4 days makes it sort of easy to eliminate hurry, I think.  My typical type-A personality lost out to my desire to slow down and relax.  It was fantastic. I never rushed or felt stressed in lines at the airport, I didn't feel pressure to be 15 minutes early to everything, cutting short my morning prep time or coffee stop. I just, I let things happen. I allowed myself to take time to do my hair, relax in my room, and meander through the hotel shops on my way to meetings.

I guess that's pretty easy to do when you're transported from the "bleak mid winter" of upstate New York and dropped in sunny central Florida in a gorgeous resort.  I took time. And it reminded me of all those trips I rushed through, so worried about the destination that I never enjoyed the adventure of getting there.  What a miserable person I must be to be around sometimes!  Life is so humbling. I am so thankful for grace and the ability to change.

Now comes the real challenge. Of course it's easy to meander and slow down in the vacuum of a solo trip to a gorgeous location. But what about a 20 degree morning when the boys are whining and I'm late for work? Or those times when Levi asks me "Mommy will you ________ with me?" and I'm thinking, "I really need to ______."

I will always be a task-oriented person and that is a challenge for me as a wife, mother, and friend.  I fully admit I am not always the life of the party (no laughing, friends and family!).  I don't think I will ever be a care-free, fly by the seat of your pants, kind of person. But I can slow the heck down.  Ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life.

Because really? That person who rushes, pushes, and speeds around you on the highway? Usually they are sitting right next to you in the toll booth.  Hurry only frustrates, it doesn't really get you anywhere much faster.  And who knows what adventure you might be missing on the way!