I suppose this is the part of the blog where I lament my neglect and promise to update regularly... truth be told, it probably won't happen. Would I love to blog the details of my life every day? Of course. Do I wish I had more of Levi's milestones documented and shared with family and friends? Sure. But that's not how life has worked out this year. And honestly, some days I'm just glad I don't find a puddle of drool at my feet. From me. I find puddles of Levi's drool all over the place. But I digress.
I've experienced a serious emotional dry spell. I don't know what happened to me after having Levi. For the first 6 months I promised myself that it was because he was such a difficult baby. Colic and reflux, ear infections and thyroids. Don't get me wrong, it was a rough start to the small one's life (for all of us). But I guess I just expected that things would level out and I would snap out of my "funk", that I would be myself again. That didn't really happen. I kept saying, "After _____ is over things will be better"- you can fill in that blank with any random event, milestone, or check on my to do list over the last 8 or so months. I'm beginning to think it's me. I'm beginning to think I need to find satisfaction, and even happiness, in my new normal. I'm beginning to think that this is life.
My dry spell has effected every area of my life. Spiritual. Creative. Intellectual. Parental. Marital. Personal.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be all emo here and tell you how much I hate my life. In fact, when ever I think about it I realize how much I love my life. I have an amazing husband, I'm able to study for a PhD while (sometimes ;) ) being paid, I have an awesome kid with a ton of spunk, and I have a really supportive family. I'm not gonna go all high school on you now. I recognize and appreciate how much I am blessed, I really do. Promise.
I also realize that something is just... off. I am starting to think, though that my perceiving a "funk" is the funk. Ahhh, the medium is the message. Thank you Mr. McLuhan. ;)
What I mean to say is, that it is precisely this perception that something is off that is making me feel off. Did that make sense? Nah? Humor me.
I haven't adjusted in any way to my new normal. Something hasn't sunk in. I keep waiting for things to simplify. The truth is, if I find a way to settle in. To be comfortable in my life. To be satisfied. To adjust to the chaos. I don't think it will feel as chaotic. I think it will feel... like life. Marriage. Kid. School. Job #1. Job #2. Own a daycare. Start a non-profit. Okay, so that's probably not normal. For anyone. But it's my life right now. And I need to stop thinking, "Okay, when summer programs are over life will calm down." Because the reality of my life is that once summer programs are over, school gets back into full swing. And then fall programs start. And then I have to work at some point to contribute to my family's finances. And then it's summer again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
That is my life. That is my normal. I need to learn how to love my reality. Not wish for what I think will make things better.
Love. My. Reality.
Matt and I have been working on ways to simplify within this structure. For now, at least, this is what we have to work with. This is how our life will be at least until I am done with school. All of these other things are added, jobs- necessary, businesses- amazing opportunities, ministries- where my heart is. However, we have managed over the last month or 2 to slow down time. It's like we have a superpower. Or maybe like we pulled our heads out of our collective tush. Either way.
We determined to spend more time together and to embrace our crazy normal. This means you might not see me on chat in the evenings. Wanna know why? Cause I am cuddling with my handsome husband on the couch. This means we pick up our living room every night and take turns with laundry, dishes, and lunch making so that these things don't overwhelm us. This means I have relaxed a little on what I expect from myself each day. It means I have learned to sleep with check boxes on my to-do list unchecked. It means I am coming out of my dry spell. I can write again. I can enjoy what I study. I can laugh with Levi. I can work out and feel like "myself."
Making such conscious decisions has so positively impacted us. Matt and I have definitely grown leaps and bounds as a couple since August. I have settled into my role as a mother (not in a bad way!) and realized that it is not the only thing that defines me. And I have found some motivation.
Other amazing things are happening outside of my personal life as well. I can't tell you how many "random" connections I have made that have brought in money, support, volunteers, and supplies to the various outreaches I am a part of. It's like once I handed over my chaos and embraced it, an army of people came along side to relieve some of my responsibilities. Amazing.
There are still some areas that are out of my control. It's not really public blog worthy, but if you're the praying type- go ahead and mention us.
Bottom Line: I love my reality. It just took me a while to recognize that.
ktw
(levi is 2 days shy of 14 months...yikes!)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A run for our money... part 2.
I believe we last left off with the double ear issue in February. The Z-pack and decongestant seemed to be doing the trick. Levi went in for a check up a week after he finished the antibiotic. I walked into the appointment proclaiming him 100% better, talking about how happy he was and how well he was sleeping. Imagine my surprise when Dr. M looked in his ears and grimaced. Worst. Mom. Ever. He had one ear bulging but not infected, one bright red with yellow-ish fluid (infected). Dr. M explains that he may not be showing signs of an active infection because, at this point, he may just be used to having pressure and pain in his ears. (Hello mommy guilt, nice to make your acquaintance). She wasn't as quick to send him to the ENT as Dr. B was at the previous appointment, so she decides to try out Augmentin- basically the only antibiotic that we haven't tried thus far.
A week after the Augmentin is over, Lev is whiny and not sleeping unless upright. Could be teeth, right? I decided to bring him in just to get checked. If there's no major signs of infection (fever, ear tugging) because of how used to the pain he is :( then I needed to rule it out. We get in there, see Dr. B this time, and sure enough- Ear infection. One infected, one filled with fluid. (This time they are swapped). Dr. B has us make an appointment with an ENT, and to our surprise they got us in a week later (that would be today). They also put us on some amoxocillin (to try and keep the infection from flairing up too badly) and a round of steroids (something we've never tried).
So today we trucked ourselves to Slingerlands, to the ENT specialist Dr. S. She is really sweet, btw. Dr. S reviewed his history, we got a hear test, they tried to move his ear drum, yadda yadda. In the end, she tells us what we already knew- Levi is a strong candidate for ear tubes. She explains it's a ridiculously easy procedure, he wouldn't even need an IV placed or anything. We would be in around 6 am, and out by lunchtime. However, she also explained to us that he wasn't presenting signs of an active infection at the moment and so it was up to us whether we wanted to go ahead with the procedure. Matt and I just looked at each other. Such decisions are much easier when the "experts" make them for you.
We asked a lot of questions. The biggest one being- is it more likely that the Steroids actually worked once and for all or that the infection always goes away during the course of antibiotics and just returned within a week? We have never been at the doctors during a course of antibiotics, so it is entirely possible that the infection is responding to the medicine and we never knew it. If that's not the case, though and the steroids happened to do the trick, we would be doing the surgery "for nothing". Except that Dr. S seemed to think that tubes were inevitable, saying it was only a matter of time. She told us we could wait it out and hope for him to dry out on his own but we may just end up back in her office in a month.
In the end, Matt and I decided to go with the surgery. I think my main reason is that in the long run, the surgery will have less effects on his little body than the continuous use of antibiotics, decongestants, ibuprofen, and whatever else they want us to try. The fact that the procedure is really basic makes the decision a bit easier for us. We are scheduled to arrive at 6am April 1st.
What I am realizing is that being a parent is full of decisions that may seem silly or easy to those outside the situation, but feel like massive weights for us. Thanks for all your advice and prayers, we are feeling confident in this decision and hope that Levi will be more comfortable as a result.
ktw
levi is 7m2w5d
A week after the Augmentin is over, Lev is whiny and not sleeping unless upright. Could be teeth, right? I decided to bring him in just to get checked. If there's no major signs of infection (fever, ear tugging) because of how used to the pain he is :( then I needed to rule it out. We get in there, see Dr. B this time, and sure enough- Ear infection. One infected, one filled with fluid. (This time they are swapped). Dr. B has us make an appointment with an ENT, and to our surprise they got us in a week later (that would be today). They also put us on some amoxocillin (to try and keep the infection from flairing up too badly) and a round of steroids (something we've never tried).
So today we trucked ourselves to Slingerlands, to the ENT specialist Dr. S. She is really sweet, btw. Dr. S reviewed his history, we got a hear test, they tried to move his ear drum, yadda yadda. In the end, she tells us what we already knew- Levi is a strong candidate for ear tubes. She explains it's a ridiculously easy procedure, he wouldn't even need an IV placed or anything. We would be in around 6 am, and out by lunchtime. However, she also explained to us that he wasn't presenting signs of an active infection at the moment and so it was up to us whether we wanted to go ahead with the procedure. Matt and I just looked at each other. Such decisions are much easier when the "experts" make them for you.
We asked a lot of questions. The biggest one being- is it more likely that the Steroids actually worked once and for all or that the infection always goes away during the course of antibiotics and just returned within a week? We have never been at the doctors during a course of antibiotics, so it is entirely possible that the infection is responding to the medicine and we never knew it. If that's not the case, though and the steroids happened to do the trick, we would be doing the surgery "for nothing". Except that Dr. S seemed to think that tubes were inevitable, saying it was only a matter of time. She told us we could wait it out and hope for him to dry out on his own but we may just end up back in her office in a month.
In the end, Matt and I decided to go with the surgery. I think my main reason is that in the long run, the surgery will have less effects on his little body than the continuous use of antibiotics, decongestants, ibuprofen, and whatever else they want us to try. The fact that the procedure is really basic makes the decision a bit easier for us. We are scheduled to arrive at 6am April 1st.
What I am realizing is that being a parent is full of decisions that may seem silly or easy to those outside the situation, but feel like massive weights for us. Thanks for all your advice and prayers, we are feeling confident in this decision and hope that Levi will be more comfortable as a result.
ktw
levi is 7m2w5d
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Faster Than You.
Yesterday began the lenten season. I think Protestants overlook lent too much, identifying it as "too Catholic" for a Protestant to do. For me, it's the most important, if not my favorite season on the liturgical calendar. It's always been something we observed in my household. My father used to fast during the day, eating family meals together. Other infamous fasts from my dad include his "speeding fast" his "news fast" and his "e-mail fast." Fasting has never been a legalistic ritual in my family or church's practice, but more of an effort to share in some way the "suffering" of Christ. As Americans, it is too easy to never suffer. Have a headache? Grab some tylenol. Hungry? Go to the grocery store, McDonald's etc. Have a large gash on your foot? Head to the ER for stitches. And so on. I truly believe it is time for Western Christians to learn how to suffer.
This view has only been stressed more as I have experienced this week before Lent, where everyone asks "What are you giving up for Lent?" Each time I explain my fast, the Daniel Fast, I get some eye rolls, some wincing, or some "ha ha's." Lovely. Thanks for the support. The thing is, maybe the Daniel Fast isn't right for you. But for me? Food has always been a huge issue. Spending most of my high school experience purposely eating too little, and much of my adult life eating whatever was easiest or closest, I have never had a good relationship with food. And so, for me, the Daniel Fast is the right choice. This fast (which I have done 3 or 4 times before) forces me to read labels, cook at home, bring lunch, and plan ahead. It makes me stare my everyday food choices in the face. I can't just pretend I'm "too busy" to eat food that doesn't come out of a window.
Will it be difficult? Sure. But isn't that the point of a fast? Last night, at our Ash Wednesday Service, the sermon was titled "Blessed are those who Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness." The sermon struck such a chord with me. I have been thinking and worrying about my direction lately, wondering all too often what "God's plan for my life is." Making it ALWAYS. ABOUT. ME. Instead, during this lenten season, I am hoping that the hunger I feel throughout the day, the desire I have for Diet Coke or dessert will teach me a lesson about what it means to desire, to hunger for God. If that is my focus. How can my purpose not be clear?
Matt and I have entered this journey together. We do not intend to be legalistic about it. The fast is generally done for 21 days and lent is 45 or so. So we have altered it a bit in a way that is meaningful to us. We intend to fully participate in family events and celebrations, bringing food or doing our best at a restaurant to follow the rules.
I hope there is some suffering on my part. I hope that I hunger. That I desire. And that through this, I focus. And learn.
What is your sacrifice? If you aren't participating yet, I urge you to consider doing so. Give up something that might cause some discomfort. It's only 6 weeks. Your soda/sweets/internet/fried food will still be there when you're done. And you may just gain something from it!
ktw
This view has only been stressed more as I have experienced this week before Lent, where everyone asks "What are you giving up for Lent?" Each time I explain my fast, the Daniel Fast, I get some eye rolls, some wincing, or some "ha ha's." Lovely. Thanks for the support. The thing is, maybe the Daniel Fast isn't right for you. But for me? Food has always been a huge issue. Spending most of my high school experience purposely eating too little, and much of my adult life eating whatever was easiest or closest, I have never had a good relationship with food. And so, for me, the Daniel Fast is the right choice. This fast (which I have done 3 or 4 times before) forces me to read labels, cook at home, bring lunch, and plan ahead. It makes me stare my everyday food choices in the face. I can't just pretend I'm "too busy" to eat food that doesn't come out of a window.
Will it be difficult? Sure. But isn't that the point of a fast? Last night, at our Ash Wednesday Service, the sermon was titled "Blessed are those who Hunger and Thirst for Righteousness." The sermon struck such a chord with me. I have been thinking and worrying about my direction lately, wondering all too often what "God's plan for my life is." Making it ALWAYS. ABOUT. ME. Instead, during this lenten season, I am hoping that the hunger I feel throughout the day, the desire I have for Diet Coke or dessert will teach me a lesson about what it means to desire, to hunger for God. If that is my focus. How can my purpose not be clear?
Matt and I have entered this journey together. We do not intend to be legalistic about it. The fast is generally done for 21 days and lent is 45 or so. So we have altered it a bit in a way that is meaningful to us. We intend to fully participate in family events and celebrations, bringing food or doing our best at a restaurant to follow the rules.
I hope there is some suffering on my part. I hope that I hunger. That I desire. And that through this, I focus. And learn.
What is your sacrifice? If you aren't participating yet, I urge you to consider doing so. Give up something that might cause some discomfort. It's only 6 weeks. Your soda/sweets/internet/fried food will still be there when you're done. And you may just gain something from it!
ktw
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"He's really given you a run for your money."
This post could also be called "Levi wants to be an only child"
Levi has had his share of, ahem, issues in his short 6 months. Born early, wouldn't eat, jaundice, thyroid issues, swine flu, reflux... oh and that pesky little thing called colic. Ugh, colic. I wouldn't wish that on an enemy.
And it continues. To give some background, Levi went in to the pedi office on December 7th because he had a nasty cough and screamed when we tried to lay him down for bed or naps. Sure enough, ear infection. They put him on some amoxocillin and sent us on our way. We were naive and full of hope. And dang if Levi didn't love that stuff, I mean, who didn't as a kid?!
We thought he was getting better until he starting having a gross runny nose around Christmas. He woke the morning of his 5 month appointment (December 28th for those keeping track) with green stuff coming out of his nose (yum), his eye crusted shut, and a fever. Lovely. At that appointment they determined he had a nasal infection (basically a sinus infection, except he doesn't have sinuses yet), pink eye, and (you guessed it) an ear infection. Presumably the first infection never cleared fully. So, this time we walked out of the office with Omnicef. Something I had never heard of.
10 days pass, medicine runs out. Pink eye is clear. Nose is still a bit gunky but not too bad, but he's still quite miserable. We call on January 8th. Bring him in. Nurses and pedi say "sometimes sinuses and ear together take 2 rounds of antibiotic, no worries." Second round of Omnicef. Only go for 7 days this time. Mmmmkay.
Are we catching where this is going?
Last friday night he started refusing the bottle. If there is one thing Levi never refuses, it's food. He's 18.5 lbs for goodness sake! He generally eats 4-5 6oz bottles a day. For the next 6 days (it's still continuing) he refuses to eat even 3 bottles. I am lucky to be getting 12-15 oz in him. And the sleep, or should I say, lack of sleep. From Friday - Tuesday he was waking every 20-40 minutes. It was awful. If Matt and I were that miserable, I can't imagine how bad he was feeling.
So, back to the pedi office we go on Tuesday. Ears are red but they can't tell if he is still getting better from the last infection or if it's the start of a new infection. Come back Thursday for his 6 month appointment and shots and we'll check him again. Oh, and the mucous and phlegm don't sound stuck, no bronchitis- Thank the Good Lord. Pedi tells us to use benadryl and ibuprofen at night to try and help him.
Cue Thursday- today. Still no eating, boo. We went to our evening appointment and sure enough, both ears are bright red. No bulging, so if it is a new infection it's not that bad yet. This pedi (we've seen 2) looks at his charts and realizes that he has been on antibiotics for 30 of the last 60 days. In his words, he is nervous about more antibiotics because he doesn't want him to get "gut rot." Lovely. He's wondering if he should have a round of steroids but quickly dismisses that.
In the end, we leave with a light prescription for a z-pac. We have to go back on the 21st. At that point it will have been basically 3 months since the ear infection was first discovered. If, at that point, the ears are still showing signs of infection we have to go off to the ENT. He's really too young for tubes, but the pedi thinks it could be a structural issue that is keeping everything from draining.
So yeah. I think Levi wants to be an only child.
However, the boy does really like him some paper.
Levi has had his share of, ahem, issues in his short 6 months. Born early, wouldn't eat, jaundice, thyroid issues, swine flu, reflux... oh and that pesky little thing called colic. Ugh, colic. I wouldn't wish that on an enemy.
And it continues. To give some background, Levi went in to the pedi office on December 7th because he had a nasty cough and screamed when we tried to lay him down for bed or naps. Sure enough, ear infection. They put him on some amoxocillin and sent us on our way. We were naive and full of hope. And dang if Levi didn't love that stuff, I mean, who didn't as a kid?!
We thought he was getting better until he starting having a gross runny nose around Christmas. He woke the morning of his 5 month appointment (December 28th for those keeping track) with green stuff coming out of his nose (yum), his eye crusted shut, and a fever. Lovely. At that appointment they determined he had a nasal infection (basically a sinus infection, except he doesn't have sinuses yet), pink eye, and (you guessed it) an ear infection. Presumably the first infection never cleared fully. So, this time we walked out of the office with Omnicef. Something I had never heard of.
10 days pass, medicine runs out. Pink eye is clear. Nose is still a bit gunky but not too bad, but he's still quite miserable. We call on January 8th. Bring him in. Nurses and pedi say "sometimes sinuses and ear together take 2 rounds of antibiotic, no worries." Second round of Omnicef. Only go for 7 days this time. Mmmmkay.
Are we catching where this is going?
Last friday night he started refusing the bottle. If there is one thing Levi never refuses, it's food. He's 18.5 lbs for goodness sake! He generally eats 4-5 6oz bottles a day. For the next 6 days (it's still continuing) he refuses to eat even 3 bottles. I am lucky to be getting 12-15 oz in him. And the sleep, or should I say, lack of sleep. From Friday - Tuesday he was waking every 20-40 minutes. It was awful. If Matt and I were that miserable, I can't imagine how bad he was feeling.
So, back to the pedi office we go on Tuesday. Ears are red but they can't tell if he is still getting better from the last infection or if it's the start of a new infection. Come back Thursday for his 6 month appointment and shots and we'll check him again. Oh, and the mucous and phlegm don't sound stuck, no bronchitis- Thank the Good Lord. Pedi tells us to use benadryl and ibuprofen at night to try and help him.
Cue Thursday- today. Still no eating, boo. We went to our evening appointment and sure enough, both ears are bright red. No bulging, so if it is a new infection it's not that bad yet. This pedi (we've seen 2) looks at his charts and realizes that he has been on antibiotics for 30 of the last 60 days. In his words, he is nervous about more antibiotics because he doesn't want him to get "gut rot." Lovely. He's wondering if he should have a round of steroids but quickly dismisses that.
In the end, we leave with a light prescription for a z-pac. We have to go back on the 21st. At that point it will have been basically 3 months since the ear infection was first discovered. If, at that point, the ears are still showing signs of infection we have to go off to the ENT. He's really too young for tubes, but the pedi thinks it could be a structural issue that is keeping everything from draining.
So yeah. I think Levi wants to be an only child.
However, the boy does really like him some paper.
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