I suppose this is the part of the blog where I lament my neglect and promise to update regularly... truth be told, it probably won't happen. Would I love to blog the details of my life every day? Of course. Do I wish I had more of Levi's milestones documented and shared with family and friends? Sure. But that's not how life has worked out this year. And honestly, some days I'm just glad I don't find a puddle of drool at my feet. From me. I find puddles of Levi's drool all over the place. But I digress.
I've experienced a serious emotional dry spell. I don't know what happened to me after having Levi. For the first 6 months I promised myself that it was because he was such a difficult baby. Colic and reflux, ear infections and thyroids. Don't get me wrong, it was a rough start to the small one's life (for all of us). But I guess I just expected that things would level out and I would snap out of my "funk", that I would be myself again. That didn't really happen. I kept saying, "After _____ is over things will be better"- you can fill in that blank with any random event, milestone, or check on my to do list over the last 8 or so months. I'm beginning to think it's me. I'm beginning to think I need to find satisfaction, and even happiness, in my new normal. I'm beginning to think that this is life.
My dry spell has effected every area of my life. Spiritual. Creative. Intellectual. Parental. Marital. Personal.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to be all emo here and tell you how much I hate my life. In fact, when ever I think about it I realize how much I love my life. I have an amazing husband, I'm able to study for a PhD while (sometimes ;) ) being paid, I have an awesome kid with a ton of spunk, and I have a really supportive family. I'm not gonna go all high school on you now. I recognize and appreciate how much I am blessed, I really do. Promise.
I also realize that something is just... off. I am starting to think, though that my perceiving a "funk" is the funk. Ahhh, the medium is the message. Thank you Mr. McLuhan. ;)
What I mean to say is, that it is precisely this perception that something is off that is making me feel off. Did that make sense? Nah? Humor me.
I haven't adjusted in any way to my new normal. Something hasn't sunk in. I keep waiting for things to simplify. The truth is, if I find a way to settle in. To be comfortable in my life. To be satisfied. To adjust to the chaos. I don't think it will feel as chaotic. I think it will feel... like life. Marriage. Kid. School. Job #1. Job #2. Own a daycare. Start a non-profit. Okay, so that's probably not normal. For anyone. But it's my life right now. And I need to stop thinking, "Okay, when summer programs are over life will calm down." Because the reality of my life is that once summer programs are over, school gets back into full swing. And then fall programs start. And then I have to work at some point to contribute to my family's finances. And then it's summer again. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
That is my life. That is my normal. I need to learn how to love my reality. Not wish for what I think will make things better.
Love. My. Reality.
Matt and I have been working on ways to simplify within this structure. For now, at least, this is what we have to work with. This is how our life will be at least until I am done with school. All of these other things are added, jobs- necessary, businesses- amazing opportunities, ministries- where my heart is. However, we have managed over the last month or 2 to slow down time. It's like we have a superpower. Or maybe like we pulled our heads out of our collective tush. Either way.
We determined to spend more time together and to embrace our crazy normal. This means you might not see me on chat in the evenings. Wanna know why? Cause I am cuddling with my handsome husband on the couch. This means we pick up our living room every night and take turns with laundry, dishes, and lunch making so that these things don't overwhelm us. This means I have relaxed a little on what I expect from myself each day. It means I have learned to sleep with check boxes on my to-do list unchecked. It means I am coming out of my dry spell. I can write again. I can enjoy what I study. I can laugh with Levi. I can work out and feel like "myself."
Making such conscious decisions has so positively impacted us. Matt and I have definitely grown leaps and bounds as a couple since August. I have settled into my role as a mother (not in a bad way!) and realized that it is not the only thing that defines me. And I have found some motivation.
Other amazing things are happening outside of my personal life as well. I can't tell you how many "random" connections I have made that have brought in money, support, volunteers, and supplies to the various outreaches I am a part of. It's like once I handed over my chaos and embraced it, an army of people came along side to relieve some of my responsibilities. Amazing.
There are still some areas that are out of my control. It's not really public blog worthy, but if you're the praying type- go ahead and mention us.
Bottom Line: I love my reality. It just took me a while to recognize that.
ktw
(levi is 2 days shy of 14 months...yikes!)
